I'm not sure exactly where my story begins. Somewhere in the depths of gradeschool, I suppose. I dont know what sparked it either. To this day it still puzzles me. I was teased and tormented through grade school for being the fat kid, but deep down within me, I didnt care what they thought. Deep down, I liked the way I was...but I couldnt admit it to anyone because society said I was wrong.

When I was in third grade, I discovered something that started some changes. I think it was in late summer of third grade that my fat love really began. That was the year I discovered berry hill. Its where the many strawberries, raspberries, and other berries dwell. I had developed a deep love for stuffing myself - that beautiful, wondrous feeling of a full belly, and would do it as often as I could. I called this stuffing sensation the "full feeling" and I wanted to achieve it as often as I could.

Starting in the summer of third grade and continuing through middle school I would look forward to the months of late July and August, as thats when the berries were ripe. I developed a beautiful plan. Around 11 Oclock I would pack a huge lunch, usually consisting of one or two sandwiches (turkey or pb&j), raw ramen noodles, candy bars, any other snacks I could fit in the lunch box, and 2 or three cans of Surge. Mmmm...lots and lots of Surge. I would drag my chubby self and my overloaded lunch box to the top of berry hill, sit my fat ass down among the raspberries, and eat until I couldnt move. I popped buttons on two pairs of pants that way, and in my mind I saw that as an accomplishment. I got a joy out of seeing my belly grow, and I generally wanted it to get bigger. Why, you ask? I have absolutely no idea. It was (and still is) my fetish.

After I had sat there a while atop Berry Hill, waiting for my pains of pleasure to subside so I could move again, I would continue my hike through the woods over to where an old garden used to be. It had tame raspberry bushes that grew huge berries, and I saw that as a great opportunity to extend my stomach a little bit further. But I wasnt done yet, no. I would lumber on home and fix myself a big bowl of ice-cream and plop my ass down at my first computer. *sighs and smiles* Those were the days.

I had a Tandy 2000, I think. Its capabilities went as far as hangman, blackjack, chess, drawing, a music program (which was great fun), and text. I got the most use out of the text. I would stay up very late at night and type on my old Tandy. I would type about how fat I was, and about how fat I was getting, and about fantasies I had - all for my own pleasure. Then days afterward I would get some food and just sit back with my arm laying across my then rather small belly, and just eat and read.

I then began to get a little anxious. I wanted to tell someone about what I was doing, about my fascination, and about my sick and twisted view of the world. At this time I was closest to (name has been removed), and to this day she is the only one who knows about what happened back then. When I got the computer I have now (8th grade) I was still going through this, and still typing into long hours of the night. I wonder if she still has those many pages of printouts.

She generally accepted it, and I felt pretty open with her. However, this was what started my fear of face to face confrontation about private matters. I couldnt bring myself to discuss this openly with her because I was both ashamed and embarrassed. I would either have her read it while sitting at my computer (with the old one) or print out 20 sheets of paper for her to read.

We had a really shitty bathroom scale at the time, so I never really knew how much I actually weighed. During those stuffing periods between July and August, I went into something that I referred to in my text documents as "Berry Hill mode." I believed solidly in my mind that when I was in berry hill mode, that I would stuff myself silly and not gain any weight by doing so. Because I was only watching my bellys growth (which really didnt grow much at all) I didnt notice the rest of my body was growing as well, namely hips, thighs, and boobs.

In the months before and after July/August when I was not in "Berry Hill mode," I led a fairly normal life aside from my spirituality. I didnt think much about my looks or size - I was playing on the playground at recess. My "stuffing" lifestyle remained in the back of my mind, and I still got enjoyment out of reading documents I had typed in the past. Occasionally I would have a non-Berry Hill stuffing session as well, because I still loved the feeling. However, as time went on I found that I had to eat more to obtain the same feeling, and because I didnt want anyone to notice that food was missing, I had to force myself to eat less than I would if I wasnt so cautious. I didnt want anyone besides my friend to know about my secret lifestyle.

Somewhere during this, I began to examine my flabby belly in the mirror. For the first couple years I could not stand to look myself in the face because I was still ashamed at myself for being the way I was. After all, society told me I had to be thin to be popular and beautiful. Later on in 8th grade forward, I found it easier to look myself in the face as I was becoming more comfortable with myself.

One thing that stands out in my mind from my younger years (and it still goes on today) is that I always loved the fat characters in TV shows and cartoons. Of course, I never told this to anyone else, who would have laughed at me (kids are cruel). It was my strange fascination. I always waited for my favorite episodes to come on, the ones that involved the character(s) gaining weight, or having something to do with fatness. I also liked any real life shows with a fat character who was generally confident in his/herself. Today I like watching documentaries on obesity just because I like seeing videos of fat people. Eye candy, hehe. That brings itself into real life as well, actually. Ive had to bite my tongue more than once to stop myself from saying "looking good, keep up the great work!" to a cute, chubby guy standing behind the cash register at McDonalds or another fast food chain.

My FA or fat appreciation took a turn when I entered middle school and puberty. I began an interest in boys. While my other friends took a fancy to the "cute, sexy, hot" guys that everyone gawked over, I found myself attracted to the chubby ones. Of course, I never let this out to anyone - not even my trusted friend, who I began relying less on as time continued. Society told me that I could only like the thin, buff, sexy guys - so I had to play along with my friends when they thumbed through teen magazines looking for the hot ones. Because of this, I wasnt real enthusiastic or desperate for a boyfriend. I was still figuring myself out. In late middle school and early high school though, the urge was deeper. I found myself still stuck in the middle of a crossroads though. Did I want to follow society and go for one of the hot guys? Or did I want to indulge in my own ideas of what sexy is?

I did both.

In 8th grade I had a crush on (name removed), who is still a pretty nice guy but was sorta dorky back then. He was also pretty chubby. My friends thought I was nuts, so the crush didnt last very long. There was always (name removed) though - he always had a nice gut, as far back as I can remember. Even back when we played with trucks together in kindergarten, lol. Whenever I looked at him I felt a very warm, sharp, tingly feeling in my gut. Now I have my boyfriend, and the same thing happens every time I see him. :-)

In 9th grade I met a guy online. That was when I jumped into societys idea of a hot, sexy guy. I dont know how I managed to stay with him for 6th months. I was never really happy. I wanted a guy with meat on him...someone warm I could hug. So with that, I dumped him.

Then I met another guy online, this one was bigger and more my type. That didnt really work out either, and we sort of dumped each other. That didnt bring me down the least bit though, and the very next day I started my current relationship, and weve been together ever since, which is currently just over 2 years.

I consider myself to be not only an FA, but also a stuffer. As I detailed above, there is nothing I love more than stuffing myself. I can really pack it in, and I have never yet reached my limits. Oh, it is true that on Berry Hill I ate enough to cause myself pains of pleasure, though there was still room for more food that I didnt have. Always room for more. Id really like to know my limits someday.

Of course, along side the whole fat scene, the other side of me wanted to contort to societys views and be thin. I went on various diets to lose weight, and did, but I was always so depressed and unhappy. I always thought "if only there was a way to lose weight and still keep my belly." In the end, it was the Internet that helped me out.

As you can guess, growing up I always thought I was the only one who had this fascination with fat. After all, thats why I kept it to myself. When I did get online, I found myself looking at pictures of larger people quite often, and even began a collection on my hard drive. I always looked at them with a sort of admiration, its hard to explain. My Yahoo searches on "fat pics" never really turned up much though, so I didnt pursue it real hard.

There was a period of time where I was really down on myself about my looks and whatnot, and this attracted the attention of someone who soon became a very good friend of mine. She privately emailed me about it and we got to talking on messanger, and I finally came out of the closet on my fat fetish. She directed me to the site Stuffed Online (check my links section) and from there I found the term FA. I did a search, and came up with a great many sites on the subject. I finally found others like me, and I guess the rest is history. :-)